Hurray! We're lost in Middle-Earth!
by The Troublemakers
Summary: A Gollum-wannabee, a Legolas-loving maniac, a (so far) normal girl, and a sink, all lost in Middle-Earth at the time of the War of the Ring... What will happen?
1. Arriving with a sink

**A/N:** There are so many stories about girls lost in Middle Earth here, so we decided to make our own, with a little twist…

**Disclaimer: **If you recognize it, it's not ours…

Chapter One: Arriving 

It was an early morning; Mika was in the middle of daily weighting-ceremony, when the needle on the weight started spinning.

"Huh?"

Mika stared at the needle, and after a short while, became completely hypnotized.

The needle was spinning faster and faster, and Mika was leaning further and further forward, until she fell headfirst into the sink. Then everything turned black.

*

Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, Moni was getting ready for her morning swim in the family's very own swimming pool.

She was in the middle of a dive, when, suddenly, she disappeared. 

*

"Groan…"

Chalice flung out her hand in a failed attempt of stopping the clock from ringing, but instead hit something strangely rubbery…

"Ow…" The thing said, then added in a whisper: "my precioussss…"

Chalice was suddenly wide awake.

"EEEEEEK!"

She got up, and started running in circles screaming for help, but suddenly, she realised that there where no reason to run and scream, since the threat now was buried underneath a very unconscious-looking Moni.

And in the middle of this queer situation, Mika came running in, carrying, of all things, a sink.

"Get away Moni!" She screamed, and then started hitting the now very shocked Gollum over the head.

It was now Gollum's turn to run around in circles, screaming for help.

"Um…" said Chalice, poking her friends, "I think that's Gollum…"

"Gollum? THE Gollum?" said Mika, then looked at the others and started screaming.

"EEEEEEK!"

She then joined Gollum in the running and screaming.

"Er…" said Moni

"What?" said the others (including Gollum)

"There's someone watching us…"

"Oh?" said Chalice, and scratched her nose. Then her arm froze.

"Oopsey" she said, looking at her red and yellow pyjamas (with teddy bears on…)

Everyone then started noticing how they were dressed (including Gollum, who was wearing a pink skirt, and had a sink on his head.)

Gollum looked down on himself, and ran of, wailing.

Meanwhile, Moni, was still dizzy, but had managed to notice that she was still wearing her blue bathing suit. Mika, on the other hand, had gone hiding behind a bush, since she'd noticed that she was only wearing a t-shirt and her flowery underwear.

Chalice had gone over to take a look at the watchers. Which was sitting in a pink couch, and eating popcorn, while commenting on what Mika would do next…

"Um…" She said, scratching her nose. "Could we borrow some clothes? I think Moni's freezing…"

She pointed at her friend, who was now waving from one side to another, like she was drunk, and had turned slightly blue.

The watchers looked at one another, clearly reluctant to sharing their clothes with these strange girls.

"Please?" Chalice said, giving them the 'I-know-you-want-to-help-us'-look. "Pretty please?"

"Hmm…ok," said one of the little guys.

"Ooo…who are you, little fellow?" Said Chalice, in the voice you use when you address children.

"My name is Meriadoc Brandybuck," he said, slightly annoyed, "but most people call me Merry."

Chalice eyed him, then his feet, and then the rest of the watchers; she was obviously counting.

"Oh. My. God."

"Huh?" Said Moni, who was now turning purple.

"Um…did you want to borrow clothes or not?" Merry was obviously annoyed.

"Yes, of course!" Chalice said, grinning like a lunatic.

Merry then gave her his cloak and coat. Chalice then throwed them at Moni, who hastily put them on. They reached her to the knees.

Chalice then turned to the tall, blonde guy. Now she wasn't grinning, she was gloating.

"I think she must borrow something a bit…um…bigger"

"Well, not from me! She'll ruin them!" He answered, in a very girly voice.

"I won't ruin them!" Said Mika, from behind the bush, now realising who they were.

"Hmm…ok, but you'd better wash them afterwards!"

He reluctantly gave Chalice his cloak. She then turned them over to Moni.

"Hey!" Said Mika, coming out of the bush.

"Oh, please," said Merry.

Mika slowly walked over, it was a tad difficult walking while trying to pull down the end of your t-shirt, but somehow, she managed. And then she started hitting Merry over the head with a wig she had found in the bush.

Suddenly, they were surrounded by elves. One of them was obviously bald. 

"That's mine!" He said to Mika, and snatched it out of her hand.

Suddenly, a tiny voice could be heard:

"Hey! You're the Fellowship!"

Moni was looking (and pointing) wide-eyed at them.

"Duh!" Said Mika and Chalice simultaneously. Then they had to run over and tear Moni away from Frodo.

"Let go! I want his sword!" Moni shrieked.

Mika and Chalice then pointed out to Moni that she was still in her bathing suit. That shut her up.

Merry ran over to the elves and started begging for help.

"We will take you to Lady Galadriel, and then she will decide what will become of you."

"You like being formal, don't you?" Mika said.

The elves only looked at her, and then they started leading the way.

Then one of the elves stopped.

"Haven't we forgotten something?" He whispered to the bald elf.

"Hmmm…I don't think so…"

"Blindfolding?" Said Moni.

Chalice and Mika both hit her over the head, but it was too late.

"Oh, yes! You all have to be blindfolded!"

"Why?" Said Mika.

"We're…um…we're…"

"You're what?" Demanded Mika.

"Renovating," he murmured.

"What did you say?"

"RENOVATING!"

Mika then started laughing like crazy.

"Please do something about that…thing!" Merry said.

"I know just what to do!" Gimli said. Then he scooped her into his backpack.

After a bit of wailing, she shut up, and they moved on.

Then, Moni went over and poked the bald elf.

"Haven't you forgotten something?"

"SHUT UP MONI!"-could be heard from Gimli's backpack.

Luckily, the bald elf didn't hear Moni, since part of his wig had found its way into his ears.

After a mile or so, singing could be heard from Gimli's backpack.

When Bilbo found 

_That shiny Ring_

_In Gollum's cave of gloom_

_He never thought that it would turn into_

_The Ring of Doom…_

"Ahh!" Chalice wailed, and started bashing Gimli's backpack.

"Ok, I'll sing another," the backpacked Mika said.

_(Theme: May it Be)_

_May it be, a smelly bag_

_That contains little me_

_May it be, I'll find an axe_

_And kill ugly Gimli…_

"Mika…" Chalice didn't sound very happy…

"Yesss?" 

"Behave yourself!"

"Hmm…ok" It didn't sound much like she meant it, but there weren't anything Chalice could do but accept, and keep a close watch on the backpack.

She also had to keep a close watch on Moni, who was now sneaking up behind Frodo.

Moni was muttering something that sounded like "my precioussssss" and was eyeing Sting with an obsessive look.

"Something will happen soon, I'm sure," Chalice muttered under her breath.

And, indeed, something did.

Suddenly, Mika jumped out of the backpack with a tiny throwing-axe and tried to split Gimli's scull. Unfortunately for her, but luckily for Gimli, he was wearing a helmet.

At the same time, Moni jumped forward, and tried to grab Frodo's sword. But instead, she stumbled, and fell over Pippin.

"Ouch!" Pippin said, trying to get the short, bathing-suited girl off him. But she held on to his sword, hissing: "my preciousss, my precioussss".

"Um…Moni?" said Chalice, "wrong sword".

Meanwhile, Frodo was hiding behind Aragorn, and Gimli was hiding behind Legolas. 

One of the elves tapped Chalice on the shoulder.

"Do you mind us tying up your friends?"

"Um…no." Chalice shrugged.

"Traitor!" Mika yelled, while the elves tied her up.

Moni, on the other hand, was still hissing "my preciousss" at everyone, and tried frantically to bite someone's finger off.

*

At last, they arrived at Caras Galadhon.

Moni and Mika was untied, and led into a corner, while Chalice was brought forward to speak to Lord Celeborn, and Lady Galadriel, together with the Fellowship.

Celeborn was just about to open his mouth, when Mika ran forward, yelling, "Auntie Agnes, Auntie Agnes!!" and glomped onto Galadriel.

"Mika!" Hissed Chalice, but Mika didn't hear her.

"Whoever this Agnes-woman is, I'M NOT HER!" Yelled Galadriel.

"Yeah, suuuure, we believe you…" Said Mika.

"Help, someone, help!" wailed Galadriel.

She then put on her glasses, to see whom this strange person was.

"Why are you in your underwear?"

"Because I like it! And look! It's pink and flowery too!" Mika replied, still holding onto Galadriel.

"I will faint," said Galadriel, "someone bring my lala's".

In from a side door came an elf, holding a jar of pills, saying very clearly: "Dr. Pepper's anti-stress pills – an elf woman's best friend"

"Your pills ma'am," the elf said.

"It's lala's!" hissed Galadriel, then emptied the jar.

Then Mika put on her glasses: "Hey! You're not Auntie Agnes!"

"That's it!" said Merry, and threw a bag over Mika's head, from inside, muffled cries for help could be heard, but no one took any notice of them.

"Now," Galadriel said, directing her attention to the fellowship and Chalice, "I know who all of you are," this was interrupted by a "and I know where you live too" from the bag,  "except for you," she directed her glare at Chalice, "who are you?"

"Ahem," Chalice said, "I'm a fourteen years old girl, lost in Middle-Earth at the time of the War of the Ring, unluckily, my friends had to tag along…"

"HEY!" – came from the bag, and "Hey…my precioussssss!" - came from the corner.

Out of the bag came a crazed Mika, holding a pair of dirty boxer shorts (hobbit size), which she started bashing Chalice with it.

"EWWW!" said Chalice.

Mika suddenly realized what she was holding, and put them nicely down on Pippin's head.

Pippin quickly took them off, and threw them at a flushed Merry.

"Cough…" said Merry, "I was going to wash 'em."

"Please take her away!" Celeborn bellowed, "lock her up somewhere!"

Two elves then came over and tied (and gagged) her up. Then they carried her away.

Everyone phewed.

"You where saying…?" Galadriel asked Chalice.

"Ahem," Chalice said, "I'm a fourteen years old girl, lost in Middle-Earth at the time of the War of the Ring, unluckily, my friends had to tag along…"

"NOT AGAIN!" screamed Galadriel.

"Again?" Chalice asked.

"You see that girl in the corner (not your friend)?"

"Yes…"

"She came her yesterday, saying the same thing. And you see that girl at the table?"

"Yes…"

"She came her the day before that!"

"I see…"

"And we had to give EVERYONE new clothes, because they all came here in their underwear (or worse…)!"

"Ahem…" Chalice said, a bit confused, "but some of us NEEDS new clothes, like Moni over there".

Moni was creeping towards Frodo muttering, "my precioussss". Then she freezed in her tracks, noticing that everyone was watching her.

Frodo, at that point, was standing in a corner, obviously wishing that he could walk on the walls.

"Someone please remove that…thing!" He said.

Moni then ran over to Chalice, holding her arm and whispering, "keep me safe, keep me safe".

Since they couldn't possible get Moni off Chalice, Chalice just had to follow wherever they were taking Moni, to the place they held Mika, actually.

Mika was then scarily calm.

"Mika, are you on drugs?" Chalice asked, obviously concerned.

"Lalalala!" said Mika.

"I think she is," said Moni.

"Here," said an elf, "put these on".

In the bag, there were three pants, three shirts, and three pairs of boots.

"Um…aren't we supposed to get dresses?" Moni asked.

"Well, we're all out of those, so you'll have to wear this".

"But," said Moni, "I have no underwear!"

"I do," said Mika (and Chalice).

"You'll just have to wear your bathing suit, Moni," said Mika.

Well in their new clothes, they started exploring Lòrien. Also called, looking for a pub.

"Um…is this bar…safe?" Moni said, in front of a sign that said: "The Pooping Pony ".

"Who cares?" said Chalice, "as long as they've got tequila!"

"But…you know that we're underage?" said the always so goody-goody Moni.

"Who cares?" said Mika.

They went on, but were stopped by the door guard.

"How old are you?"

"I'm a hundred years old elf!" Mika said, holding up her ears.

"Hmm…ok"

"And I'm 2046, I just look a bit young," said Chalice.

"Um…ok, you can go in".

"I'm a hobbit!" said Moni, and indeed, she looked like one.

"Hmmm…Moni, you've, um, shrinked," said Chalice.

"Must be all the water and the cold weather," said Moni.

"But," said Mika, "your feet are the same size as they were."

"Go on," said the door guard.

"Wohoo!" yelled the two girls and the hobbit.


	2. At the Pooping Pony

Chapter two: At the Pooping Pony

Mika, Moni and Chalice walked casually into the bar. At this point, Mika had gone from holding her ears up, too holding them up using tape.

Spotting the bar, Chalice ran over, asking for a double tequila.

"How do you want to pay?" the bartender asked.

"Charge it! No…um…wait, put it on Aragorn's bill!" Chalice stuttered.

"Yeah, sure," the bartender said, putting forward the double tequila.

"Hooray!" Chalice shouted, "Cheers Moni!"

Of course, Chalice had a low tolerance for alcohol, and was now drunk as a skunk.

"Oh dear…" Moni sighed. Mika was busy waving her fingers in front of Chalice, asking how many she could see.

"Uhh…eleven?" 

Chalice was definitely drunk, and what was worse, a certain group of eight had just entered.

"Oooh…Merry," Chalice said, waving at the scared hobbit, "let's get married!"

"No way!" The hobbit was obviously disgusted.

"Aww…it feels like someone's just stabbed my heart with an arrow, right Boromir?" She then laughed evilly, and poked him in the side.

"Huh?" The man looked at her, and took a large step back.

Meanwhile, Mika had caught Legolas, and was now dragging him towards the bar.

"You want a drink right? Or two? Or six?" If the guy had seen the grin on her face, he would have fled, but luckily (?) he was looking the other way, at Gimli.

"Um…some help here?"

But before Gimli could react, Mika had gagged Legolas, and was now tying him to a chair.

Frodo had walked around the bar, looking at all the weird stuff happening, when he suddenly realised that he'd gotten himself a shadow. The strange thing was, the shadow didn't look much like him, and it was three-dimensional. Also called Moni.

"No! Not it! Anything but that!"

"My precioussssss…"

"Heeeeelp!"

"Oh yesss, we will get you back my preciousss, we'll just get this foul hobbit away from you firssssssst"

"Hey, Fro? Wanna drink?" Chalice was approaching slowly, but steadily, leaning on Pippin, who looked strangely dazed; as if something had hit him hard over the head, like a sink, who just happened to come by when Chalice needed someone to lean on.

"Oh yes, but can you remove this…thing from me first?"

"Sure, Moni! Frodo gave his sword to Merry before they came in here…"

Moni turned around, and then crept on four limbs over to where Merry was standing.

"Here," Chalice gave Frodo a pint. Half full, but still, big enough to make any hobbit drunk, which was just what happened. This was, of course, carefully planned.

"So," said Chalice, "this Ring of yours…"

"Yes? What about it?" He then gave a large hiccup, and started giggling like a girl.

"Could I have a look at it? Just once?"

"Yeah, sure!" He then held it out.

"Ooo…can I hold it?"

"Ok, here," he gave her the Ring.

"Bwahaha!" Chalice jumped up, and started running through the room. "I've got the Ring! Fear me!"

"Ring? What Ring?" said Mika, she'd now managed to get Legolas pretty drunk, and was trying to make him go up on the stage and sing. 

"Oohh…THAT Ring…" 

Suddenly, a sink came in through the window.

"Hey!" Mika yelled, "I can see my sink from here!"

The sink flew over, and hit Chalice on the head, so that she dropped the Ring. Then it scooped it up, and gave it to Frodo.

"Here," it said, and then flew out through the door, where Gollum grabbed it, and ran of, in his pink skirt.

Meanwhile, people had started gathering around Mika and Legolas.

"Come on!" Mika was saying.

"No, I won't go uph and singh!" Legolas blurted, then started giggling.

"Yes you will! And you will sing May it Be!"

"Hmm, ohkey…"

There weren't much grace left in the elf prince, as he (by the help of Mika) stumbled towards the stage, but when he got up there, he did such a striking performance that some of the less sober people was convinced that it was actually Enya singing.

Moni had, after a while, discovered that Sting had never left Frodo's side, so they were now back where they'd started.

"My precioussss"

"NO! Not again!"

"Oh, yessss, my precioussss"

"Aragorn!"

Unfortunately, the wannabe-king was fast asleep, after having a tad too many pints.

"Boromir then!"

He'd vanished.

"Sam!"

He'd been caught under Chalice when she fell.

"Legola…maybe not. Gimli!"

The dwarf was talking to the sleeping Aragorn, paying no heed to the fact that the guy was fast asleep.

"Ok, last try, Pippin!"

"Coming cousin! Coming!"

But then he tripped over Chalice, hit his head on the table, and passed out.

"Isn't there ANYONE that can help me?"

"Ahem," said Merry.

"ANYONE?"

"AHEM!" Said Merry, who didn't look very merry at that point.

"Then I'll just have to fend her off myself," Frodo said, and thwacked her in the face with a bottle.

After that, Moni didn't give him much trouble.

At this time, Mika was trying to wake up a sleeping Legolas.

"Wake up you fool! I didn't get you drunk only so that you could pass out in a chair!"

Since that didn't work, she started poking him with a stick. This wasn't a particularly good idea, since, as a reflex, his leg kicked out and hit her square in the face.

Finally, there were some peace and quiet in the pub.    


	3. Mika, Moni and Chalice breaks the Fellow...

**Chapter 3: Mika, Moni and Chalice breaks the Fellowship (with the help of PlayElf…).**

"Uhh…"

Chalice blinked against the sudden light, and tried frantically to get up. Third time, she managed to stand up, not very steadily, but still standing.

Then she had an overview of the bar.

Moni was lying under a table, together with a bunch of bottles. _Gee; wonder what she's been doing?_ Chalice thought.

Mika was lying at the feet of a chair, the one that used to contain Legolas actually, but he'd vanished. Probably tending his severe headache somewhere…

The only ones left of the fellowship, was a sleeping Aragorn, and an unconscious Sam.

By the look on the bartenders face, Aragorn would probably not be sleeping very much longer, he was approaching, and in his hand was a bill…

"Hey you!" He said, and shook him awake, "there's a bill in your name that you might wanna pay…"

"Huh?" Said Aragorn, picking up the bill.

It was in five pages, written on both sides, and with a very small font.

"What? I never ordered a double tequila!"

"Your friend did," he said, pointing at Chalice.

"What? Me?" Chalice tried to look innocent, and, believe it or not, it worked!

"Must be some mistake here," said Aragorn.

Chalice looked relived, but then…

"Wait! Didn't you run around with the Ring yesterday?" Aragorn said, looking suspiciously at Chalice, "telling us that we should fear you?"

"Um…yeah. So?"

 "Sober people don't do such things! Ergo, you was drunk, ergo, you put the drinks on my bill!"

Under the table, Moni was stirring.

Mika, on the other hand, was still completely gone. That didn't stop her from walking around the room, though, mumbling about Legolas.

Chalice was now in big trouble.

"Um…it was Sam!" She said, pointing at him. "He ordered all the drinks!"

"Yeah…suure!" said Aragorn.

"Ok, so it was I…"

"Ahem," said the bartender, "does this mean you can't pay?"

"Yes," said Aragorn.

"Then it's off to the kitchen!"

"Wait! So this girl isn't getting ANY punishment?"

"No," said the bartender, "the bill is still in your name. Come along," he dragged Aragorn into the kitchen. Chalice was left with the confused Moni, the sleepwalking Mika, and the unconscious Sam.

"My precious?" Moni said.

"Come on!" Chalice said, and dragged both of them out of there.

They spent some time under a tree, until Moni and Mika had become themselves again. Then they started walking around. Suddenly, an elf in a large trench coat came by. He stopped in front of them, and opened his coat.

"EEEK!"

"Don't look Moni!" Chalice said, covering Moni's eyes.

"Fancy buying some cellphones?" the elf said.

"Um…yeah sure!" Chalice said, "put it on Aragorn's bill!"

Equipped with their new cellphones, they went over to the place the Fellowship was sleeping.

"Ooo…look! There's Legolas' bag!" Mika squealed and ran over.

"My preciousss…" Moni hissed, and went over to Frodo's bag.

"Hmm…wonder if there's any money in Boromir's bag?" Chalice wondered, and went over.

"There's nothing interesting in here," said Mika, "oh, wait. Here's some 'Dr. Pepper's hair growth potion' and…a bottle of blond hair color?"

"Give that hair growth potion to Moni," Chalice's voice sounded from inside Boromir's bag.

"No precious?" Moni looked very disappointed. Then she got hit by a bottle of hair growth potion. It bumped off, fell to the ground, and the contains were spread all over her feet. Unfortunately, she'd left her boots in the pub.

"Now you're really going to look like a hobbit!" Mika giggled, "wait! I can hear Legolas"

"What? Where?" Chalice said.

"My precious?" said Moni.

"Over there, with the rest of the Fellowship."

"Is Aragorn there?"

"Yes…"

Chalice yelped, and hid inside Boromir's bag.

"I wanna hide too!" Mika said, and hid inside Legolas' bag.

"My precious, my precious, my precious!" Moni squealed, and fell backwards into Frodo's bag.

Soon, they could hear the fellowship talking, Aragorn was clearly not happy, as was the not so merry Merry.

"Why didn't you let me help you?!" he said.

"Um…because…um…because," Frodo said.

"You don't trust me? Is that it? After all I've done for you!"

"Shhhs! Don't talk so loud!"

"400 glasses!" Aragorn bellowed, "I had to wash 400 glasses! All because of that annoying girl!"

"Mika?" Legolas asked.

"No, Chalice! She put EVERYTHING on my bill, and now I've got to pay for their cellphones too!"

"Let's just forget about it, and move on," said Legolas, "let's get going before they find us".

"Ok, everyone get their backpacks!"

The bags containing Mika and Chalice, was lifted with a bit of trouble, while Frodo didn't sense much difference in his.

Suddenly, Mika's phone started ringing. Luckily, no one except her heard.

"Hello?"

"Mika, what's happening?" It was Chalice.

"It seems they are leaving, and we are coming along."

"Ooh, cool!"

Meanwhile, Moni had found Frodo's address-book, and was now calling Gandalf.

"Hello?"

"Hi! I'm your biggest fan!"

"Um…ok"

"Are you still with the balrog?"

"Yes, we're having punch and pie."

"Er…aren't you supposed to be enemies?"

"Yes, but we realized that violence never did anyone any good, so we made peace, and are now best friends!"

"Ohh, bye!"

"Bye!"

"Now there's what you call a bummer…" Moni said to herself.

At this point, Chalice had dug out a small knife, and had made a small hole in Boromir's backpack.

"Ooh…I can see Merry," she whispered.

Inside Legolas' bag, Mika had started giggling like a lunatic. She'd found a tiny bow and arrows, and had started firing them in Gimli's direction. She didn't hit the target even once, instead, she managed to hit Merry twice, and Sam once. 

"Um…Aragorn" Merry said.

"Yes?"

"Someone's firing tiny arrows at us."

"Yeah, sure!"

"I'm not kidding! There is someone firing arrows at us!"

"Gee! How much did you drink last night?"

"Never mind…" Merry said, sullenly, but he was eyeing Legolas' backpack suspiciously.

"Ok, one last arrow," Mika giggled.

Suddenly, Merry whined, and jumped into Pippin's arms.

"What?" the younger hobbit said.

"Something just hit my…um…"

"Your what?"

"Butt"

Pippin then toppled over, laughing like crazy.

"Hmm…there's something strange here," Gimli said, and went over to peek into Legolas' backpack.

Chalice's cellphone had at this point started ringing.

"Hello?"

"Help! There's a hairy guy approaching! A hairy guy! Gay guy, gay guy! HEEEEELP!"

"Hold on a sec."

Chalice then called another number, and out of the blue, a sink came flying, and hit Gimli on the back of his head.

"Oww…" Gimli said, and fainted dead away.

"Thank you sink!" Mika said.

"Your welcome," said the sink, and waved at her.

"What was that?" Legolas said.

"A sink, you hottie hot elf man," someone whispered in his ear.

"EEEEK!" Legolas exclaimed, and started running in circles. "There's something in my bag! Get it out! Get it out!"

Boromir stuck his hand down in the bag, and lifted Mika up by the hair.

"You have some serious bug problems, Legolas," he said, looking at the slobbering girl.

"So do you," said Chalice, and poked her head out of the bag.

But no one seemed to care about Chalice, because they suddenly heard Frodo screaming.

"The _thing_ is in my bag! The _thing_! The _thing_!"

There where two arms sticking out of his bag, and they were holding a…bottle?

"Isn't that mine?" Legolas said, while trying to fend Mika off.

"It's empty now," hissed Moni, while rubbing the contents deeply into Frodo's hair.

Frodo was in deep shock, and had started slobbering down his front.

"I've got just the cure for this!" Chalice said, and pulled a can of pills out from the bag she'd stolen from the cell-phone salesman. 'Dr. Pepper's anti-slobbering pills' – the bottle said.

"Where did you get that bag?" Mika asked, while trying to comb Legolas' hair, "you didn't…?"

"Oh, yes," Chalice said, and grinned evilly.

"Yeah! Go the kleptomaniac!"

"What?!" Boromir said, "get out of my bag, now!"

Chalice jumped out, her bag was strangely stuffed…

"What's in that bag?!" Boromir demanded.

Chalice pulled out his horn, and played a melody (sounded strangely like 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'), then she stuffed it into her bag again

"Um…nothing…"

"Give that back!" Boromir said.

"No! Finder is keeper! Just ask Gollum!"

Boromir grabbed the bag, and for a while they fought over it, then it ripped open, and out came: 

Boromir's horn

Andùril

Legolas' different combs

Pippin's PlayElf-magazines.

Sam's "pipeweed".

A bottle of axe-polish.

Merry's picture of Frodo…

And Frodo's…Ring?

"That's offending, you know," said Legolas, looking at Pippin's PlayElf's.

Pippin quickly tucked away the magazines, but not as quickly as Merry did with the picture.

"You stole all that?" Mika said at the very flushed Chalice.

"Ah…well, I needed souvenirs…"

"But…Andùril?" Aragorn said, clutching his sword.

"It's really nice…"

"Thank you!"

"Why on earth did you steal the PlayElf's?" Pippin said.

"It was that or your dirty underwear…"

"Ohhh…"

Frodo was still standing, slobbering, while Moni tried frantically to reach his sword.

"Here you go," said Chalice, and gave him some pills. Then she forced him to swallow. He quickly stopped slobbering, and became himself again. That means, he noticed the Ring. He ran over, bent down to pick it up, resulting in Moni falling headfirst into the dirt. The last thing she did before fainting was to grab Sting.

"Let go!" Frodo bellowed at her.

Suddenly, Boromir leapt towards Frodo, lifted him over his head, and ran off.

"What just happened?" Mika asked Chalice.

"Boromir ran off with Frodo and Moni…"

"Should we do something?"

"Um…yeah…"

"Eh…"

"Uh…"

They suddenly realized that they were all alone. Even Gimli was gone.

They looked at each other, and then:

"AHHH!"

And they ran off.

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin had caught up with Boromir, and were throwing stones at him.

"Lemme down!" Frodo yelled, "they're gonna hit me!"

"My preciousss…" said Moni.

Mika and Chalice came running up besides Merry and Pippin, and joined the throwing.

"It ain't working," said Mika.

"We need something more effective!" Chalice yelled, "give me some of your PlayElf's, Pip!"

Reluctantly, he gave her a copy, and she threw it at Boromir. Frodo caught it, and held it in front of Boromir's face.

"Psst!" said Moni, "it's the wrong way!"

"You're still here?!" Frodo exclaimed, "ah, well." Then he turned it around.

"Aragorn?!" Boromir said, then he dropped dead.

Mika and Chalice ran over and started kicking him to check if he was alive. He didn't seem to be.

"Um…Mika?"

"Yes?"

"This isn't how it's supposed to be."

"And NOW you start worrying about that!"

"How was he supposed to die again?"

"With arrows."

"Hey! I've got an idea!"

"What?"

"We can roll him out in the river, and then things will be slightly as they should."

"Good idea!"

And so they did.

They saw him off, waving and sobbing to make themselves feel better for killing him; but when he reached Rauros, they could suddenly hear a voice shouting.

"Hey! I'm not dead!"

"He's not dead?"

"I'm not deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…" the voice disappeared.

"Now he is," said Mika.

"Does this mean I can keep his horn?"

"I think so…"

"Then let's go back and get it!" 

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin had managed to get surrounded by orcs, and Frodo had run off, still dragging Moni.

"Get. Off. Me!" Frodo said.

"No!"

"Come on! Please?"

"No!"

"I'll put on my Ring!"

"Go ahead!"

And so he did.

Sam had been wandering about for a while, when he suddenly saw a floating Moni. 

"Mr. Frodo!" he called.

"Go away Sam!"

"But…why?"

"I have to go alone!"

"Where?"

"To the bathroom."

"What about the girl?"

"What?! She's still here?"

"Yes."

Frodo all of a sudden became visible again.

"Moni," he said.

"Yes?"

"If you just let go while I'm at the bathroom, you can come with us to Mordor."

"Hmm," Moni was obviously thinking hard, "ok."

"Hold on a sec," she said, "what's that?" She pointed at something in the horizon.

"It looks like a…sink?"

"It's Mika's!"

The sink came closer and closer, and landed in the river.

"Jump on!" It said.

"Why?"

"Because…um…because of the girls, you never got the boats that were supposed to carry you across the river. So I had to step in instead."

"Ohh…"

"And I get extra paid too!"

"Ohh…"

The three hobbits went onboard, and the sink carried them across.

What happened to Merry and Pippin? Where were Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli? And why does Gollum wear a pink skirt? Find out next.

**Disclaimer: **As we've said before:if you recognize it, it's not ours. And the "hottie hot elf man" – line belongs to Zidler'sChick (hope you don't mind…)


	4. How to catch a Mika

**A/N: **

Chalice: Um…thank you all for the nice reviews! And Ergh, as I've already told you, we did give ZidlersChick the credit for that line, if you'd bothered to read through the entire chapter, you would've seen it.

Moni: You go girl!!

Chalice: Um…yeah… 

Mika *has eaten to many painkillers, so she can't say anything more intelligent than*: Maaaa!

Chalice: And KinnaCat: you know who I am?!

Moni: She's flippin'…

Mika: Maaaaaaa?

Chalice: Um…Mika? You're drooling…

Mika: Ohhh…

Moni: Let's get on with the story!

Chalice: Ok, here's chapter four: 

**How to catch a Mika:**

Mika and Chalice was walking back to get the horn, when they suddenly heard:

"Help! Help!"

"Let me guess…" Chalice said.

"Ooo, I don't want to, I've read way to many slashfics!"

"No, you idiot!" Chalice exclaimed, "it's Merry and Pippin!"

"Oh"

"Let's go watch!"

Mika looked strangely at Chalice, but didn't say anything, and followed her back into the woods.

After a while, they came into a clearing. There they found Merry and Pippin surrounded by 7 orcs.

"Um…are you sure we can't talk this out?" Merry said.

"No! If we catch you, Sauruman will give us action figures!"

"It's Saruman!" Chalice bellowed, running forward. Unfortunately, she didn't notice the tree in front of her.

'BUMP!'

She fainted dead away, and was lifted up by two orcs.

"Can we keep it?" they said, pleadingly.

"Um…ok," their leader said, "and get the other ones too!"

An orc smacked both Merry and Pippin on the head with a club, so that they fell unconscious to the ground.

Mika stood, peering out behind a tree. Then she slowly turned, and went the other way. 

'Crack!'- the twig under her feet said.

"What was that?!" the orc leader yelled.

"There's someone in the bushes!"

"Get it!"

All six orcs ran off, leaving the three unconscious prisoners behind.

"Oh dear…" The orc leader sighed.

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had reached the clearing, and stood watching.

"Should we do something?" Legolas said.

"No, that's Boromir's job, remember!" Aragorn replied.

"But he's not here!"

"It's in the script!"

"Oh, ok."

"So, when do we come in?" Gimli asked.

"When the orcs have carried them off."

"Oh…ok."

"Is Chalice supposed to join them?" Legolas said.

"No, but there isn't anything we can do, except waiting."

So they sat down and waited.

After a while, Mika had climbed up a tree, and was watching the orcs.

"It went that way!" Orc nr. 1 said.

"Hey! We things have feelings too!" Mika yelled.

"Aha! It's in the tree!"

"Duh!" said Mika.

"Can anyone of you climb?" Orc nr. 2 asked his companions.

"No"

"No"

"No"

"No"

"No"

"Ok, ok, I get the point!" 

"Haha! You can't catch me!" Mika said.

"Ah, well," Orc nr. 1 shrugged.

And they left.

When she'd spent about an hour in the tree, Mika climbed down.

"Stupid orcs," she muttered, "now where is my Leggo-boy?"

She didn't get far before she noticed an enormous bear-trap in the middle of the path.

"Ha! Do you think I'm entirely stupid?" she laughed. Then she noticed it.

A Legolas action figure. In the middle of the path.

The box that was balanced on a twig right over it was completely ignored.

"Leggo!" she yelled; and ran over to pick it up.

The orcs hidden in the bushes pulled the rope, and the box fell down over Mika.

"Yay! We got it! We got it!" They cheered.

Inside the box, Mika was pondering over the fact that night had come so soon.

"Ah, well, I might as well get some sleep then."

She hugged her Legolas action figure, and went to sleep.

*

Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli had been watching the single orc leader for a while, when the six orcs returned. Between them, they were carrying a sleeping Mika. There was a smile on her face, and she was hugging a…Legolas doll?

"Oh, no!" Legolas exclaimed, "we have to save that?!"

"Afraid so Leggy," Gimli said.

"Look!" Aragorn said, "they're leaving, this is were we come in!"

He looked very formal, and said: "I have decided to follow the orcs. I won't leave Merry and Pippin to torture and death while we still can save them," he grinned, "let's hunt some orc!"

"What kind of a stupid comment is that?" Legolas muttered.

"Yay!" said Gimli.

-----------------------

Ooops! We forgot Gollum's skirt…um…well, it's coming ^^;

Moni: I'll be back! *laughs insanely*

**Disclaimer: **If recognized it, it's not ours (how many times have we said that now?).


	5. Legolas Wet or Dry?

**A/N: **

Chalice: Oh, well, here's chapter five! And it's quite long too *grins*

Moni: About me being in this chapter, well, I LIED! Muahahahaha!

Chalice: The beginning of this chapter is taken directly from the chapter "Uruk Hai," we just altered it a bit ^_^ Oh, and yes, my pen name has changed, but in this story, I'll still be Chalice so…

Mika: And when did anyone start to care about that?

Moni: Oh shut up, both of you! Here's our new chapter:

----------

**Legolas – Wet or Dry?**

Mika lay in a dark and troubled dream: it seemed that she could hear her own small voice echoing in black tunnels, calling: _Leggo,_ _Leggo! _But instead of Legolas, Gimli, in a blond wig grinned at her out of the shadows; he reached out his arms for her, as if wanting a hug. She backed away. Where was Chalice?

She woke. And soon realised that the waking world was no worse than the world of dreams. There were orcs all around. Mika looked around, wondering where Chalice had gone. She was nowhere to be seen. Then Mika looked down; her Legolas figure was gone! 

But she soon forgot all about it, when she heard what the orcs were talking about.

"Legolas, wet or dry?" one of them said, grinning.

"Wet! All the way!" Mika yelled.

"Really?" one of the orcs turned towards her.

"Yes, who doesn't think so?"

"I do," came in a whisper from the smallest orc.

"Oh really, Pantiehôse?"

"Yeah…"

"You'll regret saying that!"

So the first orc chopped Pantiehôse's head off.

Mika tilted her head to one side, and said, ironically: "Oh, that's too bad…"

All the orcs turned away from Pantiehôse's remains, and looked at Mika.

"So you like Legolas wet, eh?"

"Yes, but I like him more with chocolate on!"

All the orcs came closer, with a wicked look on their faces. When they were close enough, they let out a cry in delight, and started talking all at once.

"That's the best idea ever!"

"Wanna join our club?"

"Do you know the secret Legolas handshake?"

Mika grinned. 'I'm so popular' she thought, pretty happy with herself. Then she did the secret Legolas handshake.

"Eh," said one orc, "is it true that you've met Legolas?"

"Yes! And I've spent time in his backpack too!"

All the orcs awed.

"If you give me my Leggo figure back, you'll be allowed to touch me."

She was bombarded by Legolas figures. Then all the orcs went over to touch her.

"Wait!" she held up a hand, "you'll have to set me lose too!"

"Um…" the orcs looked at each other, "ok."

Five minutes later, Mika was sitting in a circle, telling everyone about her adventures with Legolas.

"And there I was, by the campfire, and Legolas pulled up his-" she was interrupted by a moan. It was Chalice waking up.

"CHAL!" she yelled.

"Uh…Mika? How much did I drink last night?" Chalice was slightly confused.

"Nothing, how?"

"My head is killing me."

"Oh, well." Then she turned back to the orcs. "Where was I?"

"Legolas pulled up his…" one of the orcs said, excited.

"Um…ok. Legolas pulled up his new poetry," there was disappointed sounds from the orcs, "and read it to me; it was so lovely!"

"Mika? That was jinxes, and besides, why are you relating to something that weren't in the past chapters?" Chalice said.

"Because it happened between the pages!" Mika exclaimed, "it was when I came in on Legolas changing clothes!"

There was sighs among the orcs.

"Oh God…" Chalice sighed.

"Can't you shut her up?" Mika said.  
  


Chalice was soon gagged and put in a box.

"What do we do with it?" one orc asked.

"Let's throw it at that cavetroll over there!"

"Nooo!" – came from the box.

"Yes throw her!" Mika yelled.

"You won't be getting anything for Christmas!" Chalice wailed. Then she was flung through the air.

"So? I'll get presents from all my cool orc friends!"

They all did the secret Legolas handshake, and sat down again.

"So," Mika said after a while, "who do you serve?"

"Sauruman."

"So it IS Sauruman?"

"Yes."

"Chal wouldn't agree."

"Chal is just now being eaten by a cave troll."

"Oh. Right. Anyone want a marshmallow?"

"Yay!" 

"Um, this Sauruman, is he, like a big wizard or something?"

"Well, he looks like a hippie, have a cool staff, and likes looking in crystal balls…"

"That sounds like a wizard yes… Does he like breakdancing?"

"Yes."

"Then he IS a wizard."

For a while, Mika sat in her own thoughts, or, lalaland we might say, then she said to the orcs:

"Does he brew love potions?"

"I think so…"

"Oh, then I'd really like talking to him, where does he live?"

"Over there," one of the orcs waved his hand westward.

"I'll better be off then. Could I have your addresses?"

"Yeah, sure. Have you got some paper?"

"No, but you can write it on my back."

"Ok"

One of the orcs took up a "Legolas owns me" pen, and started writing his address on Mika's back:

_Mr. Tittheâd Vomìt Ôn'Abòttle, Really Dirtyplace 5a, Pit 3, 911 Isengard. _

10 minutes, and 8 orc addresses later, Mika was on her way.

*

'This is the worst trip ever!" Chalice thought. The troll had now carried her for over two hours, and there was nothing happening.

"Hey!" she yelled up at the troll, "aren't you supposed to eat me?"

"Urr…no."

"Then why are you carrying me?"

"My wife is eating you, later."

"Oh," it was hard not to sound disappointed.

Another two hours went by, and Chalice decided it was time to do something.

"Hey, look! It's Britney Spears!" she yelled.

"Really?" the troll whipped his head from one side to another. This, of course, made him dizzy. So he dropped the box.

Chalice took advantage of the situation, and leaped off.

Then she ran blindly into the dark woods, crashing into different trees, screaming; "Whopsey!" And "oops! I'm sorry!" every time she hit a tree. 

This of course made all the people she passed by concern about her insanity. 

Finally she hit a rock and fell, giving her enough time to see the bearded man bending over her before she passed out. 

When she woke up, she was lying besides a campfire. On the other side an old man was sitting on the other side smoking something Chalice thought was weed.

"What'cha smoking?" she asked casually. 

"Old Toby's" 

"Oh," she sounded disappointed.

The old man watched her for a while, then he asked: "Who are you?"

"Ahem," Chalice said, "I'm an 21th century girl, lost in Middle Earth at the time of the War of the Ring." She sounded pretty darn proud.

"Oh really?" he coughed, "another one. Now what's your story?"

"Well, I met the Fellowship in Lòrien, together with my friend Moni, and my not so big friend anymore, Mika. We got drunk, and afterwards, we hid in the Fellowship's backpacks. Then orcs captured Mika and me. Where Moni went off to, I don't know, but I think she's with Frodo."

"Frodo? Why would she want to go with him?"

"She has an unhealthy obsession with Sting."

"Thank the Valar that it wasn't his feet."

"His feet?" Chalice was confused, "why?"

"Every girl that ends up here has an obsession with his feet."

"Huh? I thought it was Legolas!"

"That's what they say."

"I don't say that!"

"No, you're too obsessed with money, power and pictures of Gimli's underwear riding on cows."

"What the hell?"

"I'm all knowing!"

"No you're not! I am not obsessed with Gimli's underwear!"  

"If you say so…"

"Who are you, by the way?"

"I have many names, but you might know me as Gandalf."

"Gandy!"

"No, no. Gandalf!"

"Yes, Gandy."

"Whatever."

*

Three days passed by, and Mika finally reached Isengard. For some reason, no one stopped her, so she went up to Orthanc, and knocked on the doors.

"Who's there?" a voice said from behind them.

"Um…Mika."

The door opened, and a person with long, white hair and glasses looked out.

"Mika?"

"Granny?"

"Darling! Come in!"

"How are you granny Sauruman?"

"Oh, I'm fine." he (?) smiled.

"I didn't know you were a wizard!"

"Few know."

They both got seated in nice, flowery chairs, and Saruman poured Mika some tea.

"Does this – Does this mean I'm a wizard to?" Mika said.

"Only half, your father is a hobbit."

"How on earth did that happen?!"

"I don't want to know…"

"Hey! Does this mean I can have a staff, a wig, and a pointy hat and can do all sorts of cool stuff?"

"Yes."

"Can I brew love potions?"

"Yes."

"Can I…breakdance?"

"Yes…"

"Wohoo!"

"Can you teach me?"

"Yes, what do you want to learn?"

"How to make Uruk Hai's?"

"Ok, come on," he/she waved Mika into a lab. There, on the shelves, were a bunch of small building kits. One of them was clearly labelled: "Lego-set." 

"Oooo," Mika goggled at the set, then she – carefully, so to not destroy anything – grabbed the set, so that all the other kits fell down.

Saruman turned back towards Mika. She quickly hid the Lego-set behind her back.

"Do you smell that?" Saruman asked.

Mika sniffed the air. There was indeed something strange there.

"Yes…"

"My cookies!" Saruman squealed, and ran out of the room.

An evil glare appeared on Mika's face, she ran over and locked the door. Then she, slowly but steadily, started building her very own Legolas.

--------

**Disclaimer: Same as before….**

Oh, and the 'Sauruman' – thingie, well, that is supposed to be that way. It's how Mika pronounce Saruman ^_^


End file.
